DON'T TEST ME!

 

Him: "Would you be homeless with me?"

Me: "Is it the Apocalypse?"

I get it what he was trying to say and I respect his right to say it but that doesn't mean I should let him get away with saying that shit. 

Men like to test women as if they are the ones that hold the keys to society. For some reason, this man in particular seem to have gotten it in his mind that I was a gold digger. I think the cognitive dissonance associated with a severe personality disorder is to blame. 

In general, I find that women of color have to prove their love to men. Even if they are paying for everything. Even if they are doing all the work. Even if they show up wearing a cape to help save the day, they still have to prove themselves. 

So when he asked me if I would be homeless with him, my first instinct wasn't to retaliate against years of philosophical gaslighting that women of color experience. Honestly, there wasn't enough time to even get to that place. 

My first instinct was to ask, "Why?" Why are we homeless? 

There are two of us. Why is that your test for me? Do you plan on not doing shit for this entire relationship?

I understand that shit happens. Jobs can be lost, economies hit walls, industries fail, the price of living can jump at any time. But, it seems to me that if one is using that (homelessness) as a litmus test to see if a woman is a gold digger, they don't really have a firm grip on what a relationship is. 

Prior to meeting me, this man had owned his own business. Somehow, he lost that business, all his money and ended up camping in the woods in Cali. He told me how his ex (whom he also blamed for spending his money) was camping out there with him and would come to visit him. 

Like I said, I get it. We grow into the word love. We learn piece by piece what the word means. Apparently, to him love is staying through the hard times. 

I'm not saying he's wrong. I am saying that the test was inappropriate for the situation. 

He was "testing" me like this while he couldn't keep a job and I was already paying for almost everything when we spent time together. 

He was saying this as I was sharing the abundance of food stamps given out during the Pandemic that he refused to apply for because of his pride. 

And he had the nerve to ask me if I would be homeless with him. 

And that sentiment right there is what leads me back into socioeconomic discriminatory mindset land. 

I watched this man live for almost 3 years. I noticed a pattern of how he treated women of color (particularly darker skinned women).

When he didn't have money for food, transportation, or much else; I only saw women of color showing up for him. Maybe there were other women behind the scenes helping but they didn't show face. 

And he didn't treat those women the way he treated the women of color. 

He had a friend named Ashley who was a dark skinned black woman. He openly complained to me about how uncomfortable she made him yet would accept rides from her to do laundry and get to work and what not. 

One day, she pulled up to the house we were both staying in and demanded that he pay back the money that he had borrowed from her. 

His mother (who is also a darker skinned black woman) was constantly sending him money online to get home from bars and outings. 

Yes this is just one man. But I have had more that handful of experiences throughout my 30 plus years of conscious life that have reaffirmed the message that women of color are not automatically entitled to financial security and stability either provided by or co-achieved by a man of color (specifically a black man).

I take offense, officially to any man who would have the nerve to ask me if I would be homeless with him. I take offense because the question itself is loaded with insinuations about who I am and what I deserve. 

I don't romanticize the toxic struggle love battle. When I see drug addict couples, I don't see love. I see co-dependence. When I see a normal sized man with a morbidly obese woman (or vice versa), I don't see love I see an abusive relationship. 

I know I am not among the top picks in the dating pool. 

But that realization doesn't mean that I have to acquiesce to a life where I am constantly proving to an unstable individual how worthy I am of their presence. 

It is not my job to be someone's perpetual back up plan. 

I do not deserve to struggle for the far fetched prize of sharing in the forecasted success of a person who would even dream of asking a woman who had just watched him pass out while eating taco bell the night before; swept up the food on the floor to keep the ants from multiplying, and locked the door behind her on the way out to keep his crackhead "friends" from walking up in there while he is incapacitated whether or not she would suffer being homeless with him.