SUFFERING IN SILENCE

 

I've never really been a big complainer. I wasn't the bossy kid as a habit. 

I guess that is why when I finally started speaking up I was perceived as having an attitude. 

And to top it off, I'm not the vision of what society views as a woman who is worthy of her demands. 

I am dark skinned with coily hair. I don't have a bodacious figure. I'm not a socialite. 

I feel as though the response I get for demanding respect and enforcing my boundaries is: 

"Who does she think she is?"

It is a sad reality that more universally or conformingly attractive women are seen as worthy of what they want. 

Seems like if you are not handing out erections you have no right to be respected. And woe unto the woman who refuses to conform and has the nerve to be independent.

WE MUST BURN HERRRRR!

I'm not hear to whine. I just wanted to get something off my chest. 

I have been suffering in silence about these sorts of things. I have to fight for the most basic forms of respect for my very humanity on a daily basis. What makes things worse is that even the men in my family practice and preach this. 

Recently I had a family member call and text me while I was at work regarding their unemployment. 

I proceeded to ask questions since they told me to "call them later." I wanted to determine how urgent the situation was. 

I was told it was about a debit card that they had 16 hours to get. Now, about a week prior this same person told me that they hadn't receive their card yet. I advised them to check with the office to make sure they had the correct address.

Now its 10am on a Monday and I'm getting this urgent text and missed phone calls. 

I told them that there is no time limit on receiving a debit card since I have applied for and received unemployment in the past. That is what they told me. That they had 16 hours to get a debit card. 

I then received a flurry of texts filled to the brim with vitriol.

They finally confessed that they were out of money ( I asked them weeks before if they had savings until they got their unemployment) and their rent was due and that I needed to get my head out of my ass and help them.

I was then called a sell-out, a bed wench and a horrible person.

I responded with: "You are crazy if you think I am going to help you after talking to me like that."

This argument has continued. They eventually got their debit card but now they want to re-enter my life like nothing happened. 

And I'm not having it. 

I got called more names and was accused of "worshipping white people as gods."

I am holding grudges and need to get my hair done and go to the gym.

This fool is really trying to attack my self esteem when he can't even apply for benefits correctly. 

I'm not acting like nothing happened. He has a caseworker. He can talk to her like that and see how far that gets him. 

I also find it disturbing that this relative fell right in line with the programming designed to tear down women of color who even try to stand up for themselves.

He didn't hesitate to do it. All the while ignoring the fact that the very way in which he reacted is more worshipping of white people than me asking questions and minding the business that pays me. 

Because truth be told, If that business didn't pay me we'd both be standing in the same line.

I'm starting wonder if that is what this family member wants.

For us to be in the same place, suffering the same things.

This cycle will end and I will end it. 

I will not longer suffer in silence waiting for the next time I assert myself or speak a truth to be met with a flurry of insults designed to put me back in my place. 

My place is for me to determine. 

I will no longer allow someone who specifically is benefiting from the tax dollars taken out of my paycheck to talk to me like I live to serve them. 

I will no longer allow anyone to infringe upon my right to take up space, be heard, and be respected. 

I've paid my dues. I've paid other people's bills.